Christmas best humorous quotes | The World of English

Christmas best humorous quotes, a collection of famous amusing aphorisms and funny quotes about Christmas for your holy laughter to spend a wonderful Christmas.

As our dear old friend Mark Twain used to say, mankind has only one truly effective weapon: laughter. So, in this Christmas season, when age is advancing, money is scarce, and the death toll continues to rise, I’ve decided to publish a new selection of humorous aphorisms and funny jokes about Christmas. While I’m fully aware that laughing during this time can be a challenging thing, I still want to have faith and be optimistic. After all, the three things that help us endure adversity, as old Kant reminds us, are precisely: hope, sleep, and laughter. And that’s precisely why I want to bring a breath of joy and lightheartedness to all who will read these funny Christmas quotes that are surely going to bring good tidings to you and your kin and help you get into the holiday spirit.
Carl William Brown

At Christmas, we must all be kinder, not more stupid!
Carl William Brown

Everyone’s nicer at Christmas. It’s the before and after that worries me.
Lucy van Pelt

After the Christmas holidays, my wife always puts me on a diet, but this year I don’t feel like it, and in protest, I’ve started a hunger strike!
Bilbo Baggins

It’s Christmas. I’m torn between feeling a great sense of brotherhood and going skiing in Cortina.
Altan

No one respects me. For Christmas, I gave my son a BB gun. And he gave me a T-shirt with a target on the back.
Rodney Dangerfield

You did it for me! So thank you. That means I’ll put your lover on my Christmas list, but only if I can find a letter bomb.
Woody Allen

During the Christmas holidays my parents always took me to my grandparents, but I didn’t enjoy the cemetery at all.
Carl William Brown

Okay, Christmas is an intimate holiday… but stop giving me underwear!
Boris Dress

According to a recent statistic, the most read phrase during the Christmas holidays is: “Batteries not included.”
Mauroemme

The last time I felt the Christmas spirit, the Ghostbusters were taking care of it.
Waxen

Mom, mom, why are we putting up a Christmas tree in October? How can I tell you you have cancer!
Anonymous

My father was a real bastard. At Christmas, he’d take us into the woods and say, ‘Children, the presents are under the tree. Guess which one?’
Mario Zucca

From a commercial standpoint, if Christmas didn’t exist, it would have to be invented.
Katherine Whitehorn

Christmas: A special day dedicated to the exchange of gifts, gluttony, drunkenness, the most sentimentality, general boredom, and domestic virtues.
Ambrose Bierce

Dear Baby Jesus, in this pandemic year of 2020, you took away my favorite singer: Juliette Gréco; my favorite actor: Sean Connery; my favorite soccer player: Diego Maradona; my favorite theatrical actor, Gigi Proietti; my favorite philosopher, Giulio Giorello (so to speak, of course). Listen to me now, I wanted to tell you that my favorite politician is … (insert the politician you think deserves to leave us as soon as possible) and that the year isn’t over yet! Best wishes again, and try your best.
Carl William Brown

As a child, it was tough. For Christmas, I was given batteries, with the words “Toy not included” written on them.
Rodney Dangerfield

There’s nothing sadder than waking up on Christmas morning and discovering you’re not a child.
Erma Bombeck

There’s so much crisis during this Christmas pandemic that the markets will surely open with a sharp decline.
Carl William Brown

Have you ever noticed that life seems to follow patterns? For example, I’ve noticed that every year around this time of year I hear Christmas music.
Tom Sims

We’re having a baby soon. Are you kidding? No, I’m actually having a baby: the doctor told me… it’ll be my Christmas present! But a tie was enough for me!
Woody Allen

Some enterprising youth should go from door to door on Christmas morning peddling batteries.
Jean Kerr

The ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in.
Erma Bombeck

What I don’t like about Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you’re going to hear about it!
Frank Costanza

Rich, peaceful nations sell weapons to poor, war-torn nations; then at Christmas they collect toys to send to the children of families devastated by the planet’s various conflicts.
Carl William Brown

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was 6. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple

Turkey is good for Christmas, but Christmas is not good for turkey.
Achille Campanile

Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas.
Clark Griswold

Ugster vinyl pumps, Partridge Family records, plastic daisy jewelry, old postcards … It’s a magpie Christmas market.
Francesca Lia Block

It’s Christmas Eve. This morning in the shop, a woman asked me what time Midnight Mass is…
Sarotta

I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candy Pams. And perhaps some Pam chops with mint.
Michael Scott

Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.
Stephen Jones

You say you hate Washington’s birthday or Thanksgiving, and nobody cares, but you say you hate Christmas, and people treat you like you’re a leper.
Kate Beringer

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.
Les Dawson

Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: There’s the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in.
Marcelene Cox

Christmas, that annual celebration of parental guilt and juvenile greed.
P.D. James

At Christmas, one in three Italians will go into debt for Christmas Eve dinner. The other two will go into debt for dinner.
Don Eugenio Iodice

I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn’t.
Kevin Malone

Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.
Larry Wilde

I grew up on a Christmas Tree Farm, so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees. The problem with that is if you leave them on there, people bring them into their house. I forgot to check one time, and they hatched all over these people’s house – and there were hundreds of thousands of them!
Taylor Swift

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, ‘So does the guy I stole it from.’
David Letterman

I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn’t.
Kevin Malone

Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.
P.J. O’Rourke

Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even if you’re home.
Carol Nelson

At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
Frank Costanza

Wife and husband at the table: “Of course, of course, dear, I like Christmas leftovers… but not in April!”
Anonymous

You have such a pretty face. You should be on a Christmas card.
Buddy, Elf

What are you doing for Christmas?” “I’m getting fat.”
Daniele Villa

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Bart Simpson

Last Christmas, I was so broke that, to avoid disappointing my son, I had to tell him I’d bought him the Invisible Man doll.
Paolo Burini

No matter how many Christmas presents you give your child, there’s always that terrible moment when he’s opened the very last one. That’s when he expects you to say, ‘Oh yes, I almost forgot,’ and take him out and show him the pony.
Mignon McLaughlin

What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer.
Dwight Schrute

Christmas is awesome. First of all, you got to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything.
Michael Scott

But what do I care about having a good Christmas? The problem is the other 364 days.
Francesco De Collibus

Christmas, that annual celebration of parental guilt and juvenile greed.
P.D. James

It will be a very traditional Christmas, with presents, crackers, doors slamming and people bursting into tears.
Victoria Wood

Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, in my underwear?
Scott Calvin

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.
Gary Allan

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.
Milton Berle

Rome, the Baby Jesus was stolen from the nativity scene in the Imperial Forums. Word has spread that his father is very high up.
Lia Celi

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, it would be Christmas every day.
John Boehner

It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
Craig Ferguson

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
Bob Phillips

You can’t fool me – there ain’t no Sanity Clause!
Chico Marx

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and receipts for all major purchases.
Bridger Winegar

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
Larry Wilde

A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.
Melanie White

The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.
Buddy, Elf

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.
Louis C.K.

I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk, and he put a solar panel in my stocking.
Earthman Adam

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’
Dave Barry

Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.
Samantha Bee

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Andy Borowitz

I don’t want Christmas season to end because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in one particular addiction: glitter.
Eloisa James

God invites us to humility and simplicity,” said the man who wore golden vestments while officiating Christmas Mass.
Massimo Meoni

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
Kin Hubbard

The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it.
Bill Vaughan

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry

Santa Claus wears a red suit. He must be a communist. And long hair. He must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe he’s smoking?
Arlo Guthrie

I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.
Charlotte Christmas

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’
Bernard Manning

Today I put up the Christmas tree. With the current crisis, I’m trying to earn some money by dressing up as a Christmas tree.
Massimo Bozza

Christmas is almost here. I’ll try to escape through the window.
Anonymous

Of course, Santa is dead. You force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?
Jimmy Kimmel

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. Anthony Jeselnik

This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.
Guy Endore Kaiser

Share these funny holiday quotes with your friends and family to spread Christmas joy, or use them as clever Christmas-themed Instagram captions. You can even use them on coffee mugs or T-shirts and give them as gifts!
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food and beer…Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?
Bill Watterson

Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.
Melanie White

‘Mistletoe,’ said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it. ‘Good thinking,’ said Luna seriously. ‘It’s often infested with nargles.’
J.K. Rowling

More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.
Linda Sunshine

It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.
Unknown

You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.
Kate Summers

Synthetic literature. Today: Christmas theme. Title: “I went with my girlfriend to see a nativity scene.” Development: “Two hearts, a hut.”
Andrea Balestrero

Christmas songs are like sexual intercourse: after the third one, you can’t take it anymore.
Flavio Oreglio

It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.
Bill Murray

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson

Christmas: the one time of year when you can’t avoid the nuts in your family muesli.
Charles Stross

So I’ve started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don’t need Santa seeing me in my underwear.
Jeff Kinney

I hate, loathe and despise Christmas. It’s a time when single people have to take cover or get out of town.
Kristin Hunter

Waiting for a special occasion to kill me? Christmas is coming.
Cassandra Clare

I wish we could put some of our Christmas spirit in jars and open one up every month.
Unknown

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?
Conan O’Brien

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Maya Angelou

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson

My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.
Dave Barry

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it.
Katharine Whitehorn

Do you know why so many people love Jesus? Without Jesus, no Christmas.
Melanie White

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno

I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him.
Theodore W. Higginsworth

There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.
Milton Berle

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
Unknown

Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.
Stephen Fry

My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.
Melanie White

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy.’
Robert Paul

I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright

At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.
Robert Godden

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.
Unknown

It was two weeks before Christmas. A slow time of year for raising the dead.
Laurell K. Hamilton

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
Anonymous

One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.
Grace Kriley

People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?
Unknown

The older I get, the fewer useless gifts I get. The fewer I get, the less I have to wrap to re-gift for next Christmas.
Robert Rivers

The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
Julius Sharpe

Christmas is such a carefree, low-pressure time – that’s one of the things I love about it.
Stephen King

I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
Winston Spear

Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.
Charles M. Schulz

Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.
Ellen Degeneres

Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.
Jimmy Fallon

Once you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas.
Unknown

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
Garrison Keillor

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Unknown

Well, they’ll bark you down like carneys, sell you Christmas cards in June.
Tom Waits

Whenever you give someone a present or sing a holiday song, you’re helping Santa Claus. To me, that’s what Christmas is all about. Helping Santa Claus!
Louis Sachar

Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: There’s the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in.
Marcelene Cox

Hey, great idea: if you have kids, give your partner reading vouchers next Christmas. Each voucher entitles the bearer to two hours’ reading time *while the kids are awake*. It might look like a cheapskate present, but parents will appreciate that it costs more in real terms than a Lamborghini.
Nick Hornby