Short news about Italy, with an explanatory video on all 20 Italian Regions Stereotypes, from the book Italy in brief by Carl William Brown, a collection of quotes, news and thoughts about Italy 

The name Italy comes from the word Italia, meaning “calf land,” perhaps because the bull was a symbol of the Southern Italian tribes.
Historical News

The capital of Italy is Rome (also known as the Eternal City) and is almost 3,000 years old. It has been the capital since 1871 and is home to the Dome of St. Peter’s, the Sistine Chapel, the Coliseum, and the famous Trevi Fountain.
Historical News

By the year 2000 B.C., Italic tribes (Oscans, Umbrians, Latins) had established themselves in Italy. They were followed by the Etruscans in 800 B.C. and the Greeks, who established colonies known as Magna Graeca in southern Italy (present-day Apulia). Rome was founded in 753 B.C., and soon thereafter the Romans began conquering the peninsula.
Historical News

At its height in A.D. 117, the Roman Empire stretched from Portugal in the West to Syria in the east, and from Britain in the North to the North African deserts across the Mediterranean. It covered 2.3 million miles (two-thirds the size of the U.S.) and had a population of 120 million people. During the Middle Ages, Rome had perhaps no more than 13,000 residents.
Historical News

When McDonald’s opened in 1986 in Rome, food purists outside the restaurant gave away free spaghetti to remind people of their culinary heritage.
Italians created parmesan, provolone, mozzarella, and many other cheeses. Parmesan cheese originated in the area around
Historical News

Vatican City is the only nation in the world that can lock its own gates at night. It has its own phone company, radio, T.V. stations, money, and stamps. It even has its own army, the historic Swiss Guard.
Historical News

Parma, Italy. Italians also created many other cheeses, including gorgonzola, mozzarella, provolone, and ricotta. No one knows when the pizza was invented, but the people of Naples made it popular.
Historical News

The European Union law states that we have the free movement of companies, they have freedom of establishment. This is in fact the entire point of the whole Single Market program. One company, based anywhere inside the EU, can then sell to all 27 other countries in the EU without needing to have a permanent establishment in each of those 27. And believe me the EU isn’t going to allow someone to over turn that very basic foundation of the entire project. It’s just not going to happen. So I am perfectly free to buy any goods that are legally sold throughout Europe, provided that they can be delivered, even though they are not legal in Italy, even because in Italy only stupidity is legal.
Carl William Brown

Italian is a Romance language descended from Vulgar Latin, just like Spanish, French, Portuguese and Romanian, the dialect spoken by the people living during the last years of the Roman Empire. Before the Romans came, people spoke their own languages, and the mixture of these original tongues with Latin produced many of the languages and dialects that are still in use today. Italian has more Latin words than any other Romance languages, and its grammatical system remains similar to Latin. Latin is still the official language of the Vatican City in Rome. In the 1930s and 40s, Italian fascist Benito Mussolini (1883-1945) tried to eliminate foreign words from Italian. In soccer, “goal” became “meta” and Donald Duck became “Paperino.” Mickey Mouse became “Topolino” and Goofy became “Pippo.” While the ban was not permanent, the Italian names remain common.
Historical News

The world’s first operas were composed in Italy at the end of the sixteenth century. Opera reached the height of popularity in the nineteenth century, when the works of Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868), Giacomo Puccini (1858-1924), and Giuseppe Verdi (1813-1901) became hugely popular. The late
tenor Luciano Pavarotti (1935-2007) is a national celebrity, and

Claudio Monteverdi (c. 1567-1643) is regarded as the father of the modern opera.
Historical News

Venice, Italy, is one of the world’s most beautiful and unusual cities. It was founded over 1,400 years ago on a collection of muddy islands in a wide and shallow lagoon. It has been sinking into the mud for centuries and is plagued by floods.
Italy was one of the founders of the EU and is a member of the Group of Eight (G8), a forum for eight of the world’s most powerful nations.
Historical News

In Italy there are about 60 million people and we know how high is the percentage of morons on national soil. However, in China there are about 1.4 billion people and in India almost 1.3 billion. Therefore I wonder then, if more or less all the world is a small village, with how many morons should we have to come to terms on the territory of this stupid planet. It’s the same the world over, or the world is the same wherever you go!
Carl William Brown

Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) was an Italian-born scientist. When he argued that the Earth revolved around the Sun, the Catholic Church imprisoned Galileo in his own house. The Church issued a formal apology in 1992.
Historical News

A part of northern Italy called Val Camonica contains about 350,000 petroglyphs that were created nearly 10,000 years ago. Brescia is a famous town at 75 km from there, it is very popular for Beretta arms industry, the oldest in the world, the Garda Lake and also because Carl William Brown was born there.
Historical News

Before the Romans came, people spoke their own languages, and the mixture of these original tongues with Latin produced many of the languages and dialects that are still in use today. If you know one of the Romance languages, you can often understand bits of another. Just as members of the same family can look similar but have totally different characters. You find the same contradictions in the dialects (regional or local language differences) in Italy and in other countries. If you visit Italy, you’ll hear various accents and dialects as you travel the country. Despite the number of dialects, you may be surprised to discover that everybody understands your Italian and you understand theirs. (Italians don’t normally speak in their dialect with foreigners.)
Linguistic News

About 70% of our English words come from Latin. This alone make Latin the most important language to influence English. For example, the word, promise, comes from “pro-mitto,” meaning to send before. Here are some more examples: word = verbum; canine = canis; college =collegium. I think you get the picture. Also Latin has influenced our grammar. For example, the distinction between “I” and “me” is based on cases. I equals nominative case in Latin and me equals dative, ablative and accusative cases. Even little things like the improper use of split infinitives come from Latin, since in Latin infinitives cannot be split. For example, to love is amare (one word) in Latin. So, in short, Latin continues to play a huge role.
Linguistic News

Italian is the official language of Italy and it is spoken by about 70 million people, primarily in this country. It’s the official language of San Marino as well, and one of the official languages of Switzerland, spoken mainly in Ticino and Grigioni cantons.
Linguistic News

The Italian Flag or il Tricolore is a green, white and red tricolor flag with equal panels representing the territories of the Republic of Italy. Adopted as the national flag on 1 January 1948, official colour designation under the Pantone Textile policy was established in 2003, then ratified into law in 2006.
Historical News

When I was growing up, my parents told me, “Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.” I tell my daughters, “Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.”
Thomas Friedman

Who goes to Rome a beast returns a beast.
Italian Proverb

Italy hasn’t had a government since Mussolini.
Richard Nixon

How did Italy manage to end up with no Caribbean islands at all? Christopher Columbus took the trouble to discover the

Caribbean personally before the end of the fifteenth century. Try to get a decent plate of spaghetti there now.
Calvin Trillin

Italy, and the spring and first love all together should suffice to make the gloomiest person happy.
Bertrand Russell

In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, they had 500 years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.
Orson Welles

If Spain goes under, Italy will come under even more scrutiny.
Mario Monti

In the Church of San Giovanni (One of the finest Renaissance churches in Italy) you can see Tintoretto’s masterpiece, “Madonna with Four Saints”. In the Church of San Giacomo you can see Botticelli’s masterpiece, “Two Saints with the Madonna”. In the Church of San Bartolomeo do not miss Tiepolo’s huge canvas, “Madonna with Twenty Three Saints”. In the chapel of San Marco, the focus of attention is Perugino’s small painting, “Madonna with just One Saint”.
George Mikes

Italy is a geographical expression.
Prince Metternich

Certainly, in Italy, nobody takes light for granted.
Barbara Steele

A man who has not been in Italy, is always conscious of an inferiority.
Samuel Johnson

Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. Italy the Church. America Hollywood.
Erica Jong

Internet penetration in Italy is quite low and the Berlusconi media machine controls most of what people see.
Joichi Ito

I would like to thank my parents in Vergaio, a little village in Italy. They gave me the biggest gift: poverty.
Roberto Benigni

Gli italiani sono irrimediabilmente fatti per la dittatura.
Ennio Flaiano

The ideological mix-up is a natural, exasperating and, at the same time, endearing feature in this country of fierce individualists. There are seventy-five political parties in Italy – although not all are represented in parliament. Most of these parties are very small but even the smallest can boast of a sharp and unbridgeable ideological split. There is a party which has only one single member. He is schizophrenic.
George Mikes

In Italy there are about 60 million people and we know how high is the percentage of morons on national soil. However, in China there are about 1.4 billion people and in India almost 1.3 billion. Therefore I wonder then, if more or less all the world is a small village, with how many morons should we have to come to terms on the territory of this stupid planet.
Carl William Brown

You have to remember that Italy is second to none, in fact, if Germany has more than 3,500 brothels, Italy has the Vatican!
Carl William Brown

Appeal to all scholars of stupidity in the world. Come to Italy, this country has the highest rate of morons of the universe, especially among political, bureaucratic, judicial, religious, intellectual, artistic, and mass media members, so it is the best place to develop your own field research.
Carl William Brown

To be a true philosopher you must study stupidity a lot, that’s why, as Doctor Samuel Johnson used to say, a man who has not been in Italy, is always conscious of an inferiority.
Carl William Brown

Italy is one of the world leading country of bureaucracy and stupidity.
Carl William Brown

The ideological mix-up is a natural, exasperating and, at the same time, endearing feature in this country of fierce individualists. There are seventy-five political parties in Italy – although not all are represented in parliament. Most of these parties are very small but even the smallest can boast of a sharp and unbridgeable ideological split. There is a party which has only one single member. He is schizophrenic.
George Mikes

Since Italy is the land of bureaucratic and political nonsense, it tries to make up for the lost chances through a complex system of confused laws and logical stupidity.
Carl William Brown

The increased presence of Muslims in Italy and in Europe is directly proportional to our loss of freedom.
Oriana Fallaci

Italy is doomed to disappear, it is too stupid to survive!
Carl William Brown

The most hypocritical, bootlicking, obsequious, slavelike, submissive, unfree journalists in Europe, this is Italy.
Carl William Brown

The Italians may be clever and quick-witted but they are not intellectuals. They lack wanderlust, indeed, most of them lack intellectual curiosity in every shape and form.
George Mikes

In Italy there are a lot of illegal things, since the law is illegal too.
Carl William Brown

Prices in Italy are only slightly lower than in France, which means that Italy is a very expensive country for everyone, natives, visitors and tourists.
George Mikes

Repetita iuvant. Italy, a land of great saints, poets, sailors, artists, statesmen, businessmen, lawyers, intellectuals, professors, journalists, whores, gangsters, religious parasites and dickheads.
Carl William Brown

The main characteristic of English conversation is that no one ever speaks; of Italian that everyone speaks at the same time. One iron law reigns supreme in Italian conversation: the survival of the loudest.
George Mikes

In Italy we have not a Common law legal system, we have a stupid one instead!
Carl William Brown

Hotel bills are scrupulously honest all over Italy… The only case which puzzled me occured in Naples. I wondered whether they were justified in adding 230 lire for heating to my bill in early June.
George Mikes

The Cathedral of this ancient and beautiful city of ……….* is of particular interest. It is the third largest Cathedral in Italy. It is a magnificent Gothic building (not pure Gothic but pure enough for the vast majority of tourists). The Italians, in their outlandish way, like to refer to the Cathedral as Il Duomo. * Fill in the name of the city with pencil. Rub it afterwards.
George Mikes

In Italy there are many illegal things, but stupidity is the most legal of all.
Carl William Brown

Italians intellectuals are few and far between. This is not a derogatory statement; nor is it a praise… Italy can boast of a number of intellectuals – brilliant and witty. But their number is small – much smaller than in France, England or Germany. The Italians, as a nation, do not read much. Observe a rush hour crowd in London or New York on the one hand and in Rome on the other. In London and New York one person in ten will be without a paper; in Rome one in ten will have a paper. The Italians will watch the women in the bus or tram, the crowd in the street or the passing shop-windows but they do not read.
George Mikes

The stupidest and most corrupted, dangerous, useless, incompetent, unfit and inefficient politicians in Europe: this is Italy.
Carl William Brown

On Amazon with Kindle Unlimited you can read the new edition of this book, that is Aphorismi et sententiae de italia et italis: Aforismi, citazioni, battute, invettive e riflessioni sull’Italia e gli Italiani (with English Quotes) by Carl William Brown

You can also download the first edition of the book with a lot of quotes about Italy by various authors from this link. Enjoy our beautiful country! 

All 20 Italian Regions Stereotypes Explained

Read also:

https://www.english-culture.com/christmas-in-italy/

https://www.english-culture.com/aphorisms-on-italy/

https://www.english-culture.com/quotations-on-italy/

Quotes by authors

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Black Friday day falls every year on the first Friday after Thanksgiving, the day of Thanksgiving, a typical holiday in the United States and celebrated on the fourth Thursday of November. In 2025, Black Friday falls on November 28, the day in which all stores offer commercial bargains and discounts, not only on clothing and gift ideas, but also on many products for the home and kitchen. Since 1952, the day after Thanksgiving has traditionally been seen in the United States, together with Cyber Monday, as the start of the Christmas shopping season and related sales, even though the term “Black Friday” has only been widely used in the past decade.

Black Friday is a scam. You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year.
Unknown

You may have heard of Black Friday and Cyber Monday. There’s another day you might want to know about: Giving Tuesday. The idea is pretty straightforward. On the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, shoppers take a break from their gift-buying and donate what they can to charity.
Bill Gates

What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common? They know what it’s like to be jammed into a small place and stuffed.
Humoropedia

Make sure the clothes you buy on Black Friday take into account how fat you got on Thanksgiving.
Unknown

We live in a consumer culture, and Black Friday is like the July 4th of that culture. It might be good not to live in this culture, but it terms of what we can do to make people safer at big sales, it seems more useful to try to avoid dangerous crowd conditions.
John Seabrook

Let’s spend Thanksgiving spilling food on our clothes, and Black Friday buying new ones.
Unknown

Black Friday sale. My house. You and I. All clothes will be 100% off.
Kappit

As reported in the Forbes “Entrepreneurs” column on December 3, 2013: “Cyber Monday, the online counterpart to Black Friday, has been gaining unprecedented popularity -to the point where Cyber Sales are continuing on throughout the week.” Peter Greenberg, Travel Editor for CBS News, further advises: “If you want a real deal on Black Friday, stay away from the mall. Black Friday and Cyber Monday are all part of Cyber Week.

Sorry shoppers on Black Friday will block and tackle better than your football team on Thanksgiving.
Unknown

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.
Stephen Colbert

Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.
Unknown

The National Retail Federation releases figures on the sales for each Thanksgiving weekend. The Federation’s definition of “Black Friday weekend” includes Thursday, Friday, Saturday and projected spending for Sunday. The survey estimates number of shoppers, not number of people.

The length of the shopping season is not the same across all years: the date for Black Friday varies between November 23 and 29, while Christmas Eve is fixed at December 24. 2012 had the longest shopping season since 2007.

My version of Black Friday is deleting all the people in my phone who sent me a “mass Thanksgiving text.”
Blake Griffin

For those of us in the financial world, Black Friday has a strong negative connotation, referring to a stock market catastrophe.
Mark Skousen

Black Friday, in reality, is a symptom of the plight that 30 years of Reaganomics has brought to working people in America. Right along with the frenzied rise of shoppers willing to fight each other at retail outlets across America, we’ve been steadily, for the last 30 years, watching the destruction of organized labor … of decent pay and wages and conditions for working people… We have Black Friday today because the wealthy elite have strangled their workers for 32 years, ever since Ronald Reagan’s election.
Thom Hartmann

Here’s hoping Black Friday doesn’t turn into Black and Blue Sunday.
SomeECards

Happy Thanksgiving to someone I’d have no problem stomping to death on Black Friday.
Unknown

Black Friday is an informal name for the day following Thanksgiving Day in the United States (the fourth Thursday of November), which has been regarded as the beginning of the country’s Christmas shopping season since 1952. It is a busy shopping day and is a holiday in some states. Many people have a day off work or choose to take a day from their amount of yearly leave on Black Friday. Some people use this occasion also to make trips to see family members or friends who live in other areas or to go on vacation. Others use it to start shopping for the Christmas season. Shopping for Christmas presents is also popular on Black Friday. Many stores have special offers, high discounts and lower their prices on many goods, such as toys, clothes, food and electronic gadgets and devices.

Black Friday is not a federal holiday, but is a public holiday in some states. It is not only the day after Thanksgiving Day but also the Friday before Cyber Monday. Many people take a day of their annual leave on the day after Thanksgiving Day. Many organizations also close for the Thanksgiving weekend. Public transit systems may run on their normal schedule or may have changes. Some stores extend their opening hours on Black Friday. There can also be congestion on roads to popular shopping destinations.

Black Friday is one of the busiest shopping days in the USA. The states which have official public holidays for state government employees on “The Day After Thanksgiving” include Arkansas, California, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Mexico, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Texas, West Virginia, and Wisconsin.

There are two popular theories as to why the day after Thanksgiving Day is called Black Friday. One theory suggests that the term originated in Philadelphia, where it was used to describe the heavy and disruptive pedestrian and vehicle traffic that would occur on the day after Thanksgiving. This usage dates to at least 1961. The wheels of vehicles in heavy traffic on the day left many black markings on the road surface, leading to the term Black Friday.

The other theory is that the term Black Friday More than twenty years later, as the phrase became more widespread, a popular explanation became that this day represented the point in the year when retailers begin to turn a profit and therefore it is related to an old way of recording business accounts. As a matter of fact losses were recorded in red ink and profits in black ink. Many businesses, particularly small businesses, started making profits prior to Christmas. Many hoped to start showing a profit, marked in black ink, on the day after Thanksgiving Day.

In the United Kingdom, on the contrary the term “Black Friday” originated within the Police and NHS to refer to the Friday before Christmas. It is the day when emergency services activate contingency plans to cope with the increase in workload due to many people going out drinking on the last Friday before Christmas. Contingencies can include setting up mobile field hospitals near City Centre nightspots.

The term has then been adopted outside those services to refer to the evening and night of the Friday immediately before Christmas, and would now be considered a mainstream term and not simply as jargon of the emergency services. The year 2014 marked the introduction of this event in Bolivia, Colombia, Denmark, Italy, Finland, France, Ireland, Lebanon, Nigeria, South Africa and Sweden.

In order to organize well your shopping you should research the Thanksgiving and Black Friday deals in advance, because you have to consider that the shops are very crowded in these days. Make an itinerary and a shopping plan: be sure to check when each store opens. This may determine the order of the stores that you visit. Best Buy, which typically draws a crowd that waits for the doors to open, will be open at 5 p.m. Thursday. You could also make a night or weekend out of it, or you can also create a map of your itinerary, planning where to park and so on.

Don’t forget about Santa: Santa will usually be available to take photos and meet children in the center atrium of most of the common hyper stores from this day, and every day until Dec. 24. Photo packages are also available for purchase. Bring your family: The adventure of Black Friday does not need to be rushed or stressful, and above all you must pay great attention and be careful, in fact despite frequent attempts to control the crowds of shoppers, minor injuries are common among the crowds, usually as a result of being pushed or thrown to the ground in small stampedes, while most injuries remain minor, serious injuries and even deliberate violence have taken place on some Black Fridays.

In 2008, a crowd of approximately 2,000 shoppers in Valley Stream, New York, waited outside for the 5:00am opening of the local Walmart. As opening time approached, the crowd grew anxious and when the doors were opened the crowd pushed forward, breaking the door down, a 34-year-old employee was trampled to death. The shoppers did not appear concerned with the victim’s fate, expressing refusal to halt their stampede when other employees attempted to intervene and help the injured employee, complaining that they had been waiting in the cold and were not willing to wait any longer.

Shoppers had begun assembling as early as 9:00 PM the evening before. Even when police arrived and attempted to render aid to the injured man, shoppers continued to pour in, shoving and pushing the officers as they made their way into the store. Several other people incurred minor injuries, including a pregnant woman who had to be taken to the hospital. The incident may be the first case of a death occurring during Black Friday sales; according to the National Retail Federation, “We are not aware of any other circumstances where a retail employee has died working on the day after Thanksgiving.”

Most major retailers open very early (and more recently during overnight hours) and offer promotional sales. Black Friday is not an official holiday, but California and some other states observe “The Day After Thanksgiving” as a holiday for state government employees, sometimes in lieu of another federal holiday such as Columbus Day. Many non-retail employees and schools have both Thanksgiving and the following Friday off, which, along with the following regular weekend, makes it a four-day weekend, thereby increasing the number of potential shoppers.

It has routinely been the busiest shopping day of the year since 2005, although news reports, which at that time were inaccurate, have described it as the busiest shopping day of the year for a much longer period of time. Similar stories resurface year upon year at this time, portraying hysteria and shortage of stock, creating a state of positive feedback.

Black Friday is a shopping day for a combination of reasons. As the first day after the last major holiday before Christmas, it marks the unofficial beginning of the Christmas shopping season. Additionally, many employers give their employees the day off as part of the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. In order to take advantage of this, virtually all retailers in the country, big and small, offer various sales including limited amounts of doorbuster/doorcrasher/doorsmasher items to entice traffic. Recent years have seen retailers extend beyond normal hours in order to maintain an edge or to simply keep up with the competition.

Such hours may include opening as early as 12:00 am or remaining open overnight on Thanksgiving Day and beginning sale prices at midnight. In 2010, Toys ‘R’ Us began their Black Friday sales at 10:00 pm on Thanksgiving Day and further upped the ante by offering free boxes of Crayola crayons and coloring books for as long as supplies lasted. Other retailers began Black Friday sales early Thanksgiving morning and ran them through as late as 11:00 pm Friday evening. Forever 21 went in the opposite direction, opening at normal hours on Friday, and running late sales until 2:00 am Saturday morning. Historically, it was common for Black Friday sales to extend throughout the following weekend. However, this practice has largely disappeared in recent years, perhaps because of an effort by retailers to create a greater sense of urgency.

In Canada the large population centers on Lake Ontario and the Lower Mainland in Canada have always attracted cross-border shopping into the US states, and as Black Friday became more popular in the US, Canadians often flocked to the US because of their lower prices and a stronger Canadian dollar. After 2001, many were traveling for the deals across the border. Starting in 2008 and 2009, due to the parity of the Canadian dollar compared with the American dollar, several major Canadian retailers ran Black Friday deals of their own to discourage shoppers from leaving Canada.

The year 2012 saw the biggest Black Friday to date in Canada, as Canadian retailers embraced it in an attempt to keep shoppers from travelling across the border. Before the advent of Black Friday in Canada, the most comparable holiday was Boxing Day in terms of retailer impact and consumerism. Black Fridays in the US seem to provide deeper or more extreme price cuts than Canadian retailers, even for the same international retailer. In recent years, Black Friday has been promoted in Australia too, so a lot of stores run Black Friday promotions both in-store and online retailers throughout the whole country.

Since the start of the 21st century, there have been attempts by great online commercial groups with origins in the United States such as Amazon to introduce a retail “Black Friday” everywhere and in 2013 Asda (a subsidiary of the American firm Walmart) announced its “Walmart’s Black Friday by ASDA” campaign promoting the American concept of a retail “Black Friday” in the UK and Europe as well. Some online and in-store companies have adopted the American-style Black Friday sale day, although others appear skeptical, with one 2013 comment piece in the trade publication Retail Week labelling it “simply an Americanism, which doesn’t translate very well.”

In 2014, more UK-based retailers adopted the Black Friday marketing scheme than ever. Among them were ao.com, very.co.uk, John Lewis and Argos, who all offered discounted prices to entice Christmas shoppers. During Black Friday sales in 2014, police forces were called to stores across Britain to deal with crowd control issues, assaults, threatening customers and traffic issues. Black Friday appears to be growing in popularity year on year in the UK and all through European countries where the sales are quickly increasing and mostly internet retailers have used the event as an occasion to attract new customers with discounts, but bricks and mortar stores have already begun to adapt the shopping event.

In Mexico and other South American countries like Brasil, Black Friday was the inspiration for the government and retailing industry to create an annual weekend of discounts and extended credit terms, El Buen Fin, meaning “the good weekend” in Spanish. El Buen Fin has been in existence since 2011 and takes place on November in the weekend prior to the Monday in which the Mexican Revolution holiday is pushed from its original date of November 20, as a result of the measure taken by the government of pushing certain holidays to the Monday of their week in order to avoid the workers and students to make a ”larger” weekend (for example, not attending in a Friday after a Thursday holiday, thus making a 4-day weekend).

On this weekend, major retailers extend their store hours and offer special promotions, including extended credit terms and price promotions. The popularity of Black Friday is also increasing in India. The reason for this is the growing number of e-commerce websites. The big e-commerce retailers in India are trying to emulate the concept of shopping festivals from the United States like Black Friday and Cyber Monday.

Some websites offer information about day-after-Thanksgiving specials up to a month in advance. The text listings of items and prices are usually accompanied by pictures of the actual ad circulars. These are either leaked by insiders or intentionally released by large retailers to give consumers insight and allow them time to plan.In recent years, some retailers (including Walmart, Target, OfficeMax, Big Lots, and Staples) have claimed that the advertisements they send in advance of Black Friday and the prices included in those advertisements are copyrighted and are trade secrets.

In South Africa, Austria and Switzerland, Black Friday Sale is a joint sales initiative by hundreds of online vendors – among them Zalando, Disney Store, Galeria Kaufhof and Sony. Over its first 24-hour run on November 28, 2013, more than 1.2 million people visited the site, making it the single largest online shopping event in German-speaking countries. There has been growing interest for black Friday in Poland as well.

The counterpart of Black Friday in China is Singles’ Day or Guanggun Jie, literally: “Single Sticks’ Holiday” that is an entertainment festival famous among young Mainland Chinese people, to celebrate the fact that they are proud of being single. The date, November 11th (11/11), is chosen because the number “1” resembles an individual that is alone. This festival has become the largest offline and online shopping day in the world, with sales in Alibaba’s sites Tmall and Taobao at US$5.8 billion in 2013, US$9.3 billion in 2014, US$14.3 billion in 2015, US$17.8 billion in 2016, and over US$25.4 billion in 2017. JD.com also achieved a sales record of US$19.1 billion in 2017, while Lazada drums up US$123 million. During the festival, Alibaba set a world record for payment transactions, with its mobile wallet app Alipay processing 256,000 payment transactions per second, in 2017. A total of 1.48 billion transactions were processed by Alipay in the entire 24 hours, with delivery orders through Cainiao (Alibaba’s logistics affiliate) reaching close to 700 million, breaking 2016’s record.

Black friday is both the day after Thanksgiving and also the day before Cyber Monday. The term Cyber Monday, a neologism invented in 2005 by the National Retail Federation’s division Shop.org, refers to the Monday immediately following Black Friday based on a trend that retailers began to recognize in 2003 and 2004. Retailers noticed that many consumers, who were too busy to shop over the Thanksgiving weekend or did not find what they were looking for, shopped for bargains online that Monday from home or work. In 2010, Hitwise reported that: Thanksgiving weekend offered a strong start, especially as Black Friday sales continued to grow in popularity.

For the 2nd consecutive year, Black Friday was the highest day for retail traffic during the holiday season, followed by Thanksgiving and Cyber Monday. The highest year-over-year increases in visits took place on Cyber Monday and Black Friday with growth of 16% and 13%, respectively. In 2013, Cyber Monday online sales grew by 18% over the previous year, hitting a record $1.73 billion, with an average order value of $128. In 2014, Cyber Monday was the busiest day of the year with sales exceeding $2 billion in desktop online spending, up 17% from the previous year.

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April fools day or all fools day, the first day of April when it is customary to play practical jokes on people, causing them to believe something that isn’t true or to go on a fruitless errand. its origin, story, curiosities and examples.

April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.

T.S. Eliot

Sweet April showers, do spring May flowers.
English proverb

April comes in with his hack and his bill, And sets a flower on every hill.
English proverb

An April flood carries away the frog and her brood.
English proverb

April weather, Rain and sunshine, both together.
English proverb

En avril, ne te découvre pas d’un fil.
French Proverb

Aprile, apriletto, tutti i giorni un goccetto!
Italian proverb

April macht was er will.
German proverb

Abril lluvioso hace a mayo hermoso.
Spanish proverb

April, fourth month of the Gregorian calendar year. It has 30 days. The Romans gave this month the name Aprilis, derived from aperire (“to open”), probably because it is the season when buds begin to open; it was called Eostre (Easter) month by the Anglo-Saxons. Playing tricks on the first day of April is a custom among European peoples.

On April 1st you will probably be on the look-out for any possible practical jokes. If your colleagues tell you to do something slightly unusual, you might think twice before doing it. Millions of people the world over will be in a similar position. The Indians will, however, have completed their entertainment a day earlier: their Huli festival takes place on March 31st. If you do have the misfortune to be made an April fool, then you might like to take some comfort from considering the origins of this bizarre custom.

April Fools’ Day or All Fools’ Day, the first day of April. On this day it is customary to play practical jokes on people, causing them to believe something that isn’t true or to go on a fruitless errand. Although the origin of the custom is unknown, a common theory is that it developed as part of ancient spring festivals. April Fools’ Day jokes are generally amusing but harmless. For example, someone may give a friend the telephone number of the zoo, telling her to return a call from “Mr. Fox.”

The origins of April Fools’ Day are not certain, although several theories have been proposed. Before the adoption of the Gregorian calendar in 1582, the New Year was celebrated between March 25 (the old date of the spring equinox) and April 1. One of the most credited hypotheses is that, as a result of the change of calendar, not everyone got used to the change and were then referred to as the “April fools”. Hence the burlesque origin of April 1.

In Europe, the festivities of the first of April became customary around the end of 1500: a few years after the adoption of the new Gregorian calendar. In the France of King Charles IX and in the Germany of the Habsburgs, the tradition gets under way and then spreads in England (in the eighteenth century) and in the other European states.

Legend has it that many French, opposed to this change or simply careless, continued to exchange gifts between March and April, celebrating the New Year as in the old days. Pranksters began to mock them, delivering them absurd or empty gifts during non-existent parties. In the empty gift you could find a card with the words poisson d’avril: April Fool’s Day, in French.

Poisson d’avril, or pesce d’Aprile in Italian, yeah, but what does fish have to do with it? There’s an explanation for that, too, and it’s that fish are easily hooked. How the victims of pranks “bite” easily to tease. It must be said, however, that sometimes it is really difficult not to fall for it: also because the imagination has no limits and the pranks do not even, in fact they can pass from the classrooms of schools, playgrounds, television and websites.

In Italy the custom of 1 April is recent: it dates back to the years between 1860 and 1880. The first city to welcome the French habit was Genoa, where the passion for April jokes landed in its lively port. The tradition was rooted first among the middle and upper classes, then took root among the rest of the population.

Therefore April 1 is recognized as a day for pranks in Germany, France, Great Britain, the United States, Canada, and elsewhere. In India, the last day of the feast of Huli, March 31, is regarded as a day for mischief. In France, an April fool’s prank is called a poisson d’Avril (April fish), and in Scotland it is an April gowk or cuckoo. In the UK, jokes and tricks can be played up until noon on 1 April. After midday it’s considered bad luck to play a trick. Anyone who forgets this and tries a joke in the afternoon becomes an ‘April Fool’ themselves.

Some newspapers, TV channels and well-known companies publish false news stories to fool people on 1 April. One of the earliest examples of this was in 1957 when a programme on the BBC, the UK’s national TV channel, broadcast a report on how spaghetti grew on trees. The film showed a family in Switzerland collecting spaghetti from trees and many people were fooled into believing it, as in the 1950s British people didn’t eat much pasta and many didn’t know how it was made!

A few years ago, for example, the famous English astronomer and radio host Patrick Moore announced instead that an exceptional alignment of Pluto and Jupiter planned for 9:47 on the morning of April 1 would have canceled the effects of Earth’s gravity, and all the inhabitants of the planet would start floating like astronauts in space!

Most British people wouldn’t fall for the spaghetti trick today, but in 2008 the BBC managed to fool their audience again with their Miracles of Evolution trailer, which appeared to show some special penguins that had regained the ability to fly. Two major UK newspapers, The Daily Telegraph and the Daily Mirror, published the ‘important story’ on their front pages. The gullible British swallowed it, as they say, “hook, line and sinker”.

So, what kind of jokes do people play? Well, a simple example would be telling your friend that their shoelaces are undone. Then, when they bend down to do them up, you shout, ‘April Fool!’, and they realise their shoelaces are fine. Maybe it’s not your kind of humour, but watch out, there’s always someone who will find it hilarious! In Ireland, a popular prank is to send someone on a ‘fool’s errand’.

The victim is sent to deliver a letter, supposedly asking for help. When the person receives the letter, they open it, read it and tell the poor messenger that they will have to take the letter to another person. This continues and the victim ends up taking the message to several different people until someone feels sorry for them and shows them what the letter says: ‘Send the fool to someone else.’

April Fool’s Day fans say it encourages fun and laughter, and one study found that it reduces stress and therefore could be good for your heart. Other people point out that it can have negative consequences, like confusion, worry or wasting time and resources. In France, Belgium, the Netherlands, Italy and French-speaking areas of Canada and Switzerland, the 1 April tradition is known as the ‘April Fish’. A common joke is to try to stick a paper fish onto a victim’s back without being noticed.

The origins of the April fools joke are somewhat obscure. The first references in English literature are to be found in the seventeenth century. It would appear that there was some connection between the April fool and the first cuckoo. The victims of such jokes were referred to as “April gowks”: this is a northern dialect word which means cuckoo. The gowk, or cuckoo, was the unfortunate person who was sent on a false errand. The English even had a proverb for the occasion: “First of April, hunt the gowk. You may send a fool whither you will”.

In modern times the advent of the telephone has added a new dimension to the false errand. One April 1st back in the 1950’s a Mr. Fox arrived at work and found a message on his desk telling him to ring Primrose 2323 in order to speak to a Mr. Lion. When Mr. Fox dialled the number and asked to speak to the fictitious Mr. Lion, he was surprised to find that he had rung London Zoo. A spokesperson for Dublin Zoo said staff had lost their sense of humour’ after they received more than 100,000 calls asking for invented names such as Mr C Lyons, Anna Conda and G Raffe! The callers were victims of a phone hoax, who contacted the zoo after receiving a text message encouraging them to make the call.

The fact that April is the month in which such pranks are played undoubtedly has something to do with the change of season. The first of April marks the arrival of spring: this causes many people to indulge in folly, romantic or otherwise. It is perhaps not surprising that April 1st has seen practical jokes of a romantic nature. William Congreve’s play, “The Old Bachelor” (1693), tells the story of “one of love’s april fools.” Heartwell, an aging woman-hater”, falls in love with Silvia, the mistress of another. The hapless” Heartwell is fooled into marrying her and thus becomes the laughing-stock of all his friends.

A charming classical reference to April fools can be found in the Reverend Brewer’s “Dictionary of Phrase and Fable”, originally published in 1870. Brewer tells the mythological tale” of Proserpina and Pluto, god of the underworld. Legend has it that Proserpina was picking daffodils in the Elysian meadows one April morning when Pluto suddenly appeared. He promptly carried her off to the underworld where he made her his queen. Proserpina’s mother, Ceres (the goddess of core, appropriately enough) heard her daughter’s cries and went in search of her echo. But her search was in vain: Ceres went on “a fool’s errand”.

Brewer examines other explanations of the origins of April fools. There is one theory that it may originate from the mockery trial of Jesus in which he was sentenced to death by Pontius Pilate: there is certainly a connection with April as the trial occurred a few days before Easter. I am happy to say that Brewer rejects this theory as unconvincing.

On April Fool’s Day 1998, the American hamburger chain Burger King announced that it had created a left-handed hamburger. The advert for the ‘new product’ explained that all the ingredients had been rotated 180 degrees so that it was more comfortable for left-handed people to pick up and eat. The following day, Burger King admitted that this advertisement had been a hoax, but said that thousands of customers had gone to restaurants across the USA asking for a left-handed burger.

Whatever the origins of April fools, its character has undoubtedly changed in modern times. In the first place, it has lost its romantic element. Nowadays amorous pranks are played on February 14th when lovers, prospective lovers and mere saboteurs send anonymous Valentine cards. Secondly, people are becoming less susceptible to practical jokes. As early as 1842 a certain General Thompson warned of the dangers of mass literacy: “It will be difficult to make April fools of a whole people that can read and write.”

It is ironic that the age of telecommunications, which has increased the possibilities of practical jokes, has also increased people’s insensitivity to them. After the great success of the spaghetti documentary there followed a spate of television and newspaper hoaxes in Britain on April 1st.

Even the British got the hang of it after a while: last year’s April 1st documentary, in which the B.B.C. announced that St. Paul’s Cathedral was to be dismantled brick by brick and moved to the countryside, was something of a flop. If you want a practical joke to work in the 1980’s, it is better to organise it on another day.

As we have seen, in France, as in Italy, the expression poisson d’avril is used. In English-speaking countries, such as the United Kingdom and America, instead, it is called April fool’s day (“The Day of the April fool”), where the term “fool” reminds the Fool, the jester of the medieval courts, thus emphasizing the playful connotation of the party. Finally, in Germany, Aprilscherz is more simply the “April Prank”.

In the Highlands of Scotland the April Fool lasts two days, in the second, the Taily Day, you enjoy to attach on the back of the unlucky (fools or gawls) a sign with the words “Kick me!” (Give me a kick). In Portugal, the days dedicated to pranks are Sunday and Monday before Lent, in which whole packs of flour are thrown on friends! India also has its April Fools’ Day. However, it falls a day earlier, on March 31. On that date we celebrate the Huli festival to celebrate spring and make fun of everyone.

But some people have always had a tendency to suspect any information that is given on April 1st. In 1964, for example, there was a boat strike in Venice on the day in question. A group of perceptive Dutch tourists were at first amused and later angered by this news. Yes, it was a very funny joke, but there was no need to keep it up the whole day. In fact the strike was genuine. It was a cruel twist of fate that of all the days of the year in which the Venetians could organise a boat strike, they chose April fools day.

Everywhere, in Europe and around the world, April 1 is still celebrated a little Carnival! What’s more in the era of ‘fake news’ it’s often hard on a normal day of the year to work out when we’re being tricked into believing something that isn’t true, but on April Fool’s Day you need to be even more alert. No one knows exactly how the tradition started, but there are plenty of people who enjoy this light-hearted day and are happy to keep the tradition alive.

Quotes by authors

Quotes by arguments

Thoughts and reflections

Essays with quotes

100 exceptional quotes and aphorisms, a selection of 100 distinguished, eminent, excellent, famous, special, great and magnificent maxims by famous authors, philosophers and artists through the centuries to help everyone thinking deeply while improving creativity, edited for the World of English blog by Carl William Brown, a sincere literary avenger. (Find out more about him on Amazon).

Since aphorisms represent discontinuous knowledge, they invite further inquiry, while systems, bearing the semblance of a certain totality, reassure men as if they were at the pinnacle of knowledge.
Francis Bacon

Sadness is caused by intelligence, the more you understand certain things, the more you wish you didn’t understand them.
Charles Bukowski

The longer I live, the more I am convinced that this planet is being used by other planets as the madhouse of the universe.
George Bernard Shaw

Little things have their importance: it is always for little things that we get lost.
Fyodor Dostoevsky

Books weigh a lot: yet those who feed on them, and put them in their bodies, live among the clouds.
Luigi Pirandello

The present age is the time of golden mediocrity and insensitivity, of the passion for ignorance, of laziness, of inability to work and of the aspiration to find everything ready-made. No one thinks; rarely is there anyone who conceives an idea.
Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky

Thanks to language, humans have developed their knowledge and at the same time have also magnified their stupidity.
Carl William Brown

At the heart of every aphorism, no matter how new or even paradoxical it may seem, beats an ancient truth.
Arthur Schnitzler

Life is, in fact, a struggle. On this point pessimists and optimists agree. Evil is insolent and strong; beauty is beautiful, but rare; goodness is often apt to be weak, folly to be arrogant, and wickedness to prevail; fools in the places of honor and the best aloof; and humanity, as a whole, unhappy.
Henry James

An artist’s duty is rather to stay open-minded and in a state where he can receive information and inspiration. You always have to be ready for that little artistic Epiphany.
Nick Cave

Sic aliud ex alio numquam desistet oriri/vitaque mancipio nulli datur, omnibus usu. (Beings never cease to be born from one another, and life is the property of no one but the usufruct of all.)
Lucrezio

Money, like emotions, is something you must control to keep your life on the right track.
Natasha Munson

The more I read, the more I acquire, the more certain I am that I know nothing.
Voltaire

I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking.
Albert Einstein

This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.
George V. Higgins

Empathy may be the single most important quality that must be nurtured to give peace a fighting chance.
Arundhati Roy

There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
Edith Wharton

To my muses. I like people who don’t like things easily, if they dislike them, even better!
Carl William Brown

And so, from hour to hour, we ripe and ripe, and then, from hour to hour, we rot and rot; and thereby hangs a tale.
William Shakespeare

We all have to die, all of us, what a circus! If only for this we should all love each other and instead no, we are crushed by banality, we are devoured by nothingness.
Charles Hank Bukowski

Considering ourselves experts often turns us into idiots.
Oliver Burkeman

Communicate. Even when it’s uncomfortable or uneasy. One of the best ways to heal, is simply getting everything out.
Anonymous

This is only one of impostorism’s frustrating ironies. Another is that true frauds and idiots rarely seem to experience it.
Oliver Burkeman

Unfortunately, we were brought into the world without any guarantees and with a rather limited understanding of total quality.
Carl William Brown

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
Kahlil Gibran

If you’re in a state of confidence and positive expectancy, the decisions, you make will be quite different than if you’re feeling vulnerable and fearful.
Anthony Robbins

I like to define medicine as a mix of art, magic, science and theft.
Carl William Brown

Make sure you have financial intelligence… I don’t care if you have money or you don’t have money… you need to go and study finance no matter what.
Daymond John

The Chester Beatty Research Institute director was Sir Alexander Haddow, a supporter of the philosophy of paradoxes: all scientific research is inspired by a paradox.
Umberto Veronesi

Great men are like eagles, and build their nest on some lofty solitude.
Arthur Schopenhauer

The world is a very mysterious and confusing place, if you are not willing to get confused, you become a replica of someone else’s mind.
Noam Chomsky

All art must be political, on the contrary it is not art, like the useless stuff of some artisans or musicians who try to survive selling their escape and trivial services to the power, more or less consciously!
Carl William Brown

Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have a faith that in this love there is strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.
Rainer Maria Rilke

From a certain point onwards there is no return. This is the point to reach.
Franz Kafka

A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says is never accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something that he can understand.
Bertrand Russell

You can’t overestimate the stupidity of the general public.
Charles Bukowski

An artist who creates literary works should have more awareness and more expertise than a surgeon, he is not operating on a man, he is intervening on humanity.
Carl William Brown

Man gives every reason for his conduct save one, every excuse for his crimes save one, every plea for his safety save one; and that one is his cowardice.
George Bernard Shaw

No society wants you to become wise: it is against the investment of all societies.
Osho

Having your head in the clouds is very comfortable, it allows you to meet only people who know how to fly.
Alda Merini

An old love is like a grain of sand, in an eye, that always torments us.
Voltaire

In fact, a wise man is afire, alive, aflame. He would like rather to die than to be enslaved.
Osho

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Now all food is getting more and more disgusting, enough, I’ve decided, from now on I will feed myself with chlorophyll photosynthesis!
Carl William Brown

No rose without a thorn. Yes, but many a thorn without a rose.
Arthur Schopenhauer

Privacy is power. People cannot destroy what they do not know.
Anonymous

It’s human nature when you lose money quickly you want to make it back twice as quick. Slow down, keep focused, and stick to your strategy.
Ian Cassel

The ability to cut a loss while it’s small is a core trading skill.
Steve Burns

The positive force and negative force of a magnet cannot coexist in the same mind. Neither can faith and fear coexist in the same mind. People full of fear, worry, doubt, indecision, and other negative thinking cannot at the same time possess faith, confidence, belief and positive expectancy.
Paul J Meyer

Confidence doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s a result of something… hours and days and weeks and years of constant work and dedication.
Roger Staubach

For humans the greatest paradox, or absurdity if you prefer, is to have the knowledge of eternity and at the same time the awareness of the extremely limited duration of one’s existence.
Carl William Brown

A good writer possesses not only his own spirit but also the spirit of his friends.
Friedrich Nietzsche

We can have the best health insurance options in the world, and people still won’t get needed care if we don’t increase our supply of primary care physicians and nurses.
Jeff Merkley

No diagnosis, no prognosis. No prognosis, no profit.
Jesse Livermore

Living is a sickness to which sleep provides relief every sixteen hours. It’s a palliative. The remedy is death.
Sebastien-Roch Nicolas De Chamfort

Do not do good if you do not have the strength to bear ingratitude.
Confucius

You will know great pain and in pain you will be happy. Here is my teaching: in pain seek happiness.
Fyodor Dostoevsky

Every man desires to live long, but no man wishes to be old.
Jonathan Swift

Life is a pill that no one can swallow unless it is golden.
Samuel Johnson

To win a battle, you must fight as if you are already dead.
Miyamoto Musashi

Life goes on loving those who do not love us and being loved by those we will never love.
Charles Bukowski

What are you afraid of losing when nothing in the world actually belongs to you.
Marcus Aurelius

Time forbids you to go back and change the beginning, but you can proceed further on and try to change the ending.
Carl William Brown

To rush into explanations is always a sign of weakness.
Agatha Christie

Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal.
Josh Billings

What we know is a drop, what we don’t know is an ocean.
Isaac Newton

Our memories are as meaningless to others as our lives are.
Carl William Brown

Personal finance is only 20% head knowledge. It’s 80% behavior!
Dave Ramsey

If they are wise don’t quarrel with them, if they are fools, ignore them.
Epictetus

At the heart of life itself the experience of death occurs. Media vita in morte sumus.
Epicuro

No mortal will ever pass through life completely free from pain, each always pays his price for life.
Aeschylus

The brighter the light, the darker the shadow.
Carl G. Jung

What use are the best of arguments when they can be destroyed by force?
Jules Verne

If it stays, It is love. If it ends, It’s a love story. If it never begins, It poetry.
Nichomachus

Love whoever loves you. Do not love whoever flees you, love that heart that pines for you. It is not he who loves you who tells you he loves you, but he who looks and is silent.
William Shakespeare

Death, memory, memories, these are the three fundamental key words of all human art.
Carl William Brown

Stupidity is far more dangerous than evil, for evil takes a break from time to time, stupidity does not.
Anatole France

Three great forces rule the world: stupidity, fear and greed.
Albert Einstein

Power-lust is a weed that grows only in the vacant lots of an abandoned mind.
Ayn Rand

The great are fragile, the idiots are not.
Paolo Crepet

The most important thing in making money is not letting your losses get out of hand.
Marty Schwartz

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.
Mark Twain

I may be negligent, foolish, and fearful; In every one of these no man is free…
William Shakespeare

There is no sin so great as ignorance. Remember this.
Rudyard Kipling

The right to insult is the right of a free man.
Voltaire

It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere.
Voltaire

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Søren Kierkegaard

Some people are right, you don’t need to be educated to vegetate.
Carl William Brown

Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.
Chuang Tzu

When stupidity is considered patriotism, it is unsafe to be intelligent.
Isaac Asimov

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.
Goethe

Don’t be afraid of failure; be afraid of never trying.
Epictetus

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
Confucius

Philosophy is by its nature something esoteric, neither made for the mob nor capable of being prepared for the mob.
Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

Hope! hope, you miserable! There is no infinite mourning, no incurable evils, no eternal hell!
Victor Hugo

When a law is unjust, the right thing is not to obey it.
Voltaire

Genius is the ability to independently arrive at and understand concepts that would normally have to be taught by another person.
Immanuel Kant

The end of law is, not to abolish or restrain, but to preserve and enlarge freedom.
John Locke

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Albert Einstein

Doing what you like is freedom. Liking what you do is happiness.
Inspirational quote

When the cat and the mouse agree, the grocer is ruined.
Persian proverb

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Christmas crackers jokes, Funny Christmas crackers and humorous jokes by English-Culture for your enjoyment and your amusing Christmas Holidays.

Christmas crackers are a British tradition dating back to Victorian times when in the early 1850s, London confectioner Tom Smith started adding a motto to his sugared almond bon-bons which he sold wrapped in a twisted paper package. The story goes that he was inspired to add ‘bang’ when he heard the crackle of a log he had just put on the fire. He decided to make a log shaped package that would produce a surprise bang and inside would be an almond and a motto and soon the sugared almond was replaced with a small gift. Originally sold as the Cosaque it soon became known by the public as the “cracker”.

But it wasn’t until the early 1900s that the paper crown was added by Smith’s sons, Tom, Walter and Henry, after he died and gave the business to them. The idea behind the paper crown is thought to have originated from the Twelfth Night celebrations, when a King or Queen was appointed to overlook the proceedings. Then, by the end of the 1930s, the love poems were replaced by jokes or limericks; they’re corny and seldom improve with the telling, but Christmas lunch wouldn’t be complete without the chorus of groans that corny cracker jokes always provoke.

You can make your own Christmas crackers using empty toilet rolls and tissue or wrapping paper; wrap paper around the toilet roll leaving enough paper on the ends for people to hold onto; pop personalised gifts, sweets and jokes into the tube. You can even buy paper crowns and cracker poppers online to complete your festive fun. Then add card or stiffener in the remaining paper to keep its cylindrical shape, before tying or twisting the paper at the end of the tube. Your cracker is now finished and ready to be shared with party guests!

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ‘ho ho ho’!

Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low “elf” esteem!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?
No Brussels.

What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner?
About 5 minutes.

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws!

What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
Santa Paws!

What do you call Father Christmas in the beach?
Sandy Clause!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues!

What did the sea Say to Santa?
Nothing! It just waved!

What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws

What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!

What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
Santa going through a revolving door!

What is Santa’s favorite place to deliver presents?
Idaho-ho-ho!

How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS?
All the branches have gone.

What’s David Cameron’s favourite Christmas song?
All I Want For Christmas is EU.

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it ‘soots’ him!

What’s the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump?
Nothing, they’re both a little orange.

Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!

What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!

What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!

Where does Santa go when he’s sick?
To the elf center!

What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!

Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls!

What do elves eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes!

Who might be cooking Christmas dinner at Number 10 this year?
Theresa May.

Why can’t Mary Berry eat turkey sandwiches?
Paul Hollywood took all the bread.

What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
An elfcicle!

Who is the king of Santa’s rock and roll helpers?
Elfis! (Thank you, thank you very much!)

What type of Shoes does Santa wear when he travels on a train?
Platforms!

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle!

Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas!

How long do a reindeers legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!

Who is the Music Elf’s favorite reindeer?
Dancer!

Which of Santa’s reindeers have to mind their manners most?
Rude-olph!

Why has Hillary Clinton asked Santa for a 23-letter alphabet?
Because she is sick of F.B.I.

Why didn’t Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at The North Pole?
He couldn’t get past Iceland.

Why don’t reindeer like picnics?
Because of all their ant-lures!

What’s worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!

Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!

Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was tied to the chicken!

What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you!

What did Santa ask Rudolph about the weather?
Is it going to rain dear?!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn’t chicken!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken’s day off!

Why are Jeremy Corbyn’s Christmas cards on the floor?
His cabinet collapsed.

Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: ‘That’s some reindeer’ he says.
The Queen replies: ’63 years. Yes, that is a lot.’

What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol?
O Comb Over Ye Faithful.

What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Iceburgers!

When is a boat just like snow?
When its adrift!

What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!

How does Christmas Day end?
With the letter ‘Y’!

How many letters are in the angelic alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has “no EL”!

What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!

What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?
Fleece Navidad!

How did Scrooge with the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!

What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!

What is the worst disease that you get at Christmas?
Excemas!

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ‘ribbet ribbet’?
A Mistle-toad!

What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

Why do ghosts live in the fridge?
Because it’s cool!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!

Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
They keep loosing their needles!

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A pineapple!

What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?
You!

What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!

Where would you find chili beans?
At the north pole!

Why is everyone so thirsty at the north pole?
No well, no well!

Why don’t penguins fly?
Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots!

What do sheep say at Christmas?
Wool-tide Bleatings! or A Merry Christmas to Ewe!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!

Which football team did the baby Jesus support?
Manger-ster United!

How did Mary & Joseph know how much Jesus weighted when he was born?
There was a weight in a manger!

What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonky donkey!

What’s the name of the one horse in “Jingle Bells”?
Bob. (Bells on Bob’s tail ring!)

What is the most competitive season?
Win-ter!

Children: This turkey tastes like an old sofa!
Mom: Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing!

What’s the best advice you can give at the UKIP Christmas party?
Avoid the punch.

Why did the three wise men only have frankincense and myrrh?
Because Team GB took all the gold.

Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year?
Dad might, Marmite not.

What did the dog breeder get when she crossed an Irish Setter with a Pointer at Christmastime?
A “pointsetter”!

What do sheep say to each other at Christmastime?
Merry Christmas to ewe!

What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime?
Season’s Bleatings!

How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
Fleece Navidad!

How do Chihuahua’s say Merry Christmas?
Fleas Navidog!

What’s the best thing to put into Christmas dinner?
Your teeth!

Why should Christmas dinner always be well done?
So you can say “Merry Crispness”!

A definition of Christmas:
The time when everyone gets “Santa”-mental.

What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time?
A sad candy cane!

What did one Christmas cracker say to the other Christmas cracker?
My POP is bigger than yours!

What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood!

What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter “Y”!

What do angry mice send to each other in December?
Cross mouse cards!

What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has “no EL”!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!

What happens if you eat too many Christmas decorations?
You get “Tinsel”-itis!

I can’t get to the chocolates in my advent calendar.
Foiled again.

Why is Bob Dylan’s sleigh so quiet?
Because it has Nobel.

“Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?”
“No, I wouldn’t know how to feed them.”

What is the best key to get at Christmas?
A turkey!

What’s the best thing to give your parents for Christmas?
A list of everything you want!

Why is it so cold at Christmas?
Because it’s in Decembrrrr!

What kind of Christmas tree comes from Hawaii?
“O Tanning Palms”!

What do wild animals sing at Christmastime?
Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way!

What’s the favourite Christmas Carol of new parents?
Silent Night!

Where do mistletoe go to become famous?
“Holly” wood!

What did one Christmas light say to the other Christmas light?
You light me up!

A Christmas thought:
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping!

What is green, covered with tinsel and goes “ribbet ribbet”?
A mistle-“toad”!

Did you hear about the cat that swallowed Mrs. Claus’ yarn?
She had mittens!

What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
“‘Tis the season to be jelly!”

This year even the toys are stressed out!
Yeah, they come already wound up!

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!

What do you call an exploding Christmas tree?
A Tannen-Bomb!

What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells!

Why is the turkey such a fashionable bird?
Because he’s always well dressed when he comes to dinner!

Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy!

Where does mistletoe go to be an actor?
“Holly”-wood!

Why don’t penguins fly?
Because they’re too short to be pilots!

Why did the mosquito buzz around the bar?
Because he was a “bar humbug”!

What kind of money do they use at the North Pole?
Cold cash!

I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year.
That’s because it’s on my charge card statement that long!

Where do you keep a Christmas tree?
Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four!

How much difference is there between the North Pole and the South Pole?
All the difference in the world!

Where would you find chili beans?
At the North Pole!

What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine!

What do Eskimos use to hold their homes together?
Ig-“glue”!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

A Christmas definition:
The time of year when you exchange “hello’s” with strangers and “good buy’s” with friends!

What is white, lives at the north pole and runs around naked?
A polar bare!

What is in December that isn’t in any other month?
The letter “D”!

I know it’s the thought that counts, not the size of the pressie…
But couldn’t people think bigger?

What did one angel say to the other angel?
Halo there!

What kind of music do elves like best?
“Wrap” music!

How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other’s shoulders!

What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?
Why, shortbread of course!

What kind of money do elves use?
Jingle bills!

Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Because he had low “elf” esteem!

How long should an elf’s legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!

What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
“First, YULE LOGon”!

Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log!

What’s the first thing elves learn in school?
The “elf”-abet!

Who sings “Blue Christmas” and makes toy guitars?
Elfis!

Who lives at the North Pole, makes toys and rides around in a pumpkin?
Cinder-“elf”-a!

One elf said to another elf, “We had Grandma for Christmas dinner”.
And the other elf said, “Really? We had turkey!”

Why do elves scratch themselves?
Because they’re the only ones who know where it’s itchy!

How do elves greet each other?
“Small world, isn’t it?”

Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
Mini vans!

What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes?
A real Christmas Card!

What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!

Why did the elves spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because Santa had said, “No L!”

Why did the elves ask the turkey to join the band?
Because he had the drum sticks!

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get?
Mistle-toes!

What’s another name for Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses!

Where do you find elves?
Depends where you left them!

(You should see the reindeer’s jokes about elves!)
Laugh at Silly Jokes about reindeer!

What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
“Horn”-aments!

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
Because he didn’t want to be recognised!

How can Santa’s sleigh possibly fly through the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She’d go to a “re-tail” shop for a new one!

Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he’s a “rain”-deer!

Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet!

When should you give reindeer milk to a baby?
When it’s a baby reindeer!

Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!

Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
“Rude”-olph!

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can’t hear you!

What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
This one will “sleigh” you!

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-“deer”!

Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch?
“Deery” Queen!

What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
“Elk”-a-seltzer!

How do you get into Donner’s house?
You ring the “deer”-bell!

What’s red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santelope!

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was “elf”-taught!

Why did Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

What’s red and green and guides Santa’s sleigh?
Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!

Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer also works as a maid?
Yup! Comet cleans sinks!

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!

(It helps to have an elf’s sense of fun to really enjoy them!)
Snort at Silly Jokes about Santa Claus!

Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
(that’s one of Santa’s favourite jokes! *HO! Ho! ho!*)

Where does Santa stay when he’s on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!

What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santy on his birthday?
“Freeze a jolly good fellow!”

What does Santa put on his toast?
“Jingle Jam”

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??
Santa! The other two don’t exist!

What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him!

What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!

What do the elves call it when Père Noël claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!

Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!

Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus!

Why can’t the England football team play Yahtzee this Christmas?
Because they got rid of Allardyce.

Why is everyone filing for divorce and custody of the kids this Christmas?
Tis the season to be Jolie.

What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crisp Kringle!

Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?
So he can hide at the North Pole!

What do you call Santa when he has no money?
Saint “Nickel”-less!

What smells most in a chimney?
Santa’s nose!

What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
A jolly roll!

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!

What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?
Kris Kringle burps!

What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
Rapping paper!

What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-“toast”!

Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?
Because the presents won’t take themselves!

What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!

How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
Because he’s always in the pole position!

What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
Tyranno-santa Rex!

What’s red & white and red & white and red & white?
Santa rolling down a hill!

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
Looks like “rain”, “Dear”!

What’s red and green and flies?
An airsick Santa Claus!

How does Père Noël take pictures?
With his North “Pole”-aroid!

Why does Santa’s sleigh get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side!

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!

What kind of motorcycle does Santy ride?
A “Holly” Davidson!

Where does Father Christmas go to vote?
The North Poll!

What’s red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!

What do you call Saint Nick after he has come down the chimney?
Cinder Claus!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish!

Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!

What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!

How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?
Stacks!

What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobic!

What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
Santa Clues!

Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Why, Santa Paws of course!

How does Frosty the Snowman get around?
On an “ice”-icle!

What does Frosty eat for lunch?
Ice-“berg”-ers!

What kind of mug does a snowman use for lunch?
A Frosted One!

What does Frosty like to put on his icebergers?
Chilly sauce!

What food do you get when you cross Frosty with a polar bear?
A “brrr” – “grrr”!

Why did Frosty go to the middle of the lake?
Because snow man’s an island!

What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him?
The cold shoulder!

What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick?
A chill pill!

What falls but never hurts itself?
Snow!

What can bite & nip at your toes but has no teeth?
Frost!

What do you get when you cross Frosty with a shark?
Frost bite!

Who are Frosty’s parents?
Mom and Pop-Sicle!

Who is Frosty’s favourite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!

What does Frosty’s wife put on her face at night?
Cold cream!

What does Frosty the Snowman drink to stay warm?
Ice tea!

What does Frosty eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes! (or was that “Frosted Flakes”?)

Where do Frosty and his wife go to dance?
Snowballs!

What does Frosty the Snowman wear on his head?
An ice cap!

Where does Frosty keep his money?
In a “Snow”-bank! (it is cold cash after all! *grin*)

What did the police officer say when he saw Frosty stealing?
“Freeze!”

What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-man!

What are Frosty’s favourite letters?
I.C.!

What does Frosty call ice?
Skid stuff!

What’s worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty with a hot flash!

What did Frosty call his cow?
Eskimoo!

What do you call Frosty the Snowman on roller blades?
A snowmobile!

What kind of cake does Frosty like?
The kind with lots of frosting! (or was that icing? *wink*)

Read also:

Christmas quotes ;

Best Christmas songs ;

60 great Christmas quotes ;

Christmas tree origin and quotes ; 

Christmas markets in England ;

Christmas markets in America ;

Christmas markets in Italy and Germany ;

Christmas short stories ;

Ella Gray A Christmas story ;

Funny Christmas Stories ;

Traditional Christmas Carols ;

Amusing Christmas stories ;

Best Entertainment for Christmas ;

Christmas jokes ;

Christmas cracker jokes ;

Christmas best humorous quotes ;

Christmas food ;

Christmas thoughts ;

Christmas story ;

Christmas in Italy ;

Christmas holidays ;

Christmas songs ;

Christmas poems ;

An Essay on Christmas by Chesterton ;

Quotes by authors

Quotes by arguments

Thoughts and reflections

Essays with quotes

Christmas jokes, funny and amusing jokes and hilarious very short stories for everyone to tell to your family and friends during your Christmas holidays

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Nul mieux que Charlie ne sait que la joke n’est pas une plaisanterie. C’est un devoir et une obligation. C’est le plus délicat des artisanats. La joke est une dictature. Comme l’a dit Rousseau à propos d’autre chose, nous en sommes à la fois souverain et sujet. Nous devons servir la joke. Et ce doit être une servitude volontaire.
Charlie Hebdo

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An Amusing Christmas Try-on

Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress. So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, ‘May I try on that dress in the window, please?’
‘Certainly not, madam,’ responded the salesgirl, ‘You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.’

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Funny Religious Jokes from Christmas Crackers

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson because he brought the house down.
Advent sermon: ‘What is hell?’
Come early and listen to our carol practice.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. (School boy howler)

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Something really cheap

On Christmas Eve, Mr. John Smith thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for the next day. Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be’
Unable to decide, our hero entered Debenhams and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, ‘How about some perfume?’ She showed him a bottle costing £80. [$107 USD]
‘Too expensive,’ muttered Mr. Smith.
The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50. ‘Oh dear,’ John groused, ‘still far too much.’
Growing rather annoyed at Smith’s meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny £10 bottle and offered it to him.
John became really agitated, ‘What I mean’, he whined, ‘is I’d like to see something really cheap.’
So the sales girl handed him a mirror.

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Christmas reality

Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift’s floor. Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception? Santa of course, the other two don’t actually exist!

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A Thoughtful Christmas Gift

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Christmas.
‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’
‘That was very kind of you,’ Jim added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’
Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’

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Funny Christmas Story about a Turkey

Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, ‘Richard doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.’
‘Now, now,’ her mother comforted, ‘I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.’
‘No, mother, you don’t understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.’
‘Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,’ says her mum. ‘Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.’
‘No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey. It was the aeroplane ticket.’ “Aeroplane ticket…” What did you need an airplane ticket for?’
‘Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: “Prepare from a frozen state,” so I flew to Alaska.’

An Amusing and True Christmas Funny Story

A seven-year-old boy was stopped by police in northern Germany while trying to plough snow with a front loader he borrowed from his parents’ business, authorities have told Will and Guy. Officers on patrol found the boy atop the 3.5-meter-tall [11.5-foot-tall] excavator after he had cleared the street in the town of Reinfeld and was driving back to the parking lot. The child noticed the police car behind him and stopped immediately.
‘He opened the door, got out and admitted immediately that he did not have a driving licence,’ the police report said. When asked why he had begun ploughing, he said his father had complained about the state of the roads. He saw the key in the ignition of the vehicle and set off.
Police retrieved the key to the loader from the child and returned it, and the boy, to his mother.

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The Tale of the Traditional Christmas Pudding

Martha decided to move with the times and try the delights of microwave cooking. Whereupon, her devoted husband Archie went out and bought her a brand new top-of-the range Sharp Microwave oven.
Christmas approached and Martha got out her Christmas pudding recipe and assembled the ingredients. She proceeded along traditional lines and even got the each member of the family to stir the mixture ‘for luck’. When Martha consulted the microwave’s manual for the cooking time, she could not believe that ten minutes would be enough for a traditional Christmas pudding. Consequently she decided to substitute her normal cooking time of 50 minutes. As Martha was in the lounge watching her favourite T.V. programme she did not see the pudding spitting in the microwave oven, nor did she hear the mini-explosions. When she finally extracted the pudding from the microwave after nearly an hour of cooking on ‘High’, it smelt of burnt sugar and looked like a ball of tar. Naturally, the Christmas pudding was a disaster, so much so, that Martha could not even prod it with a fork. In fact the black ball stuck to the bottom of the bowl and Archie had to get a screwdriver to prize it from its base.
In a fit of pique, Martha threw the shrivelled Christmas pudding to Togo her St Bernard puppy. After a few days she could see the funny side, and Togo loved his new indestructible toy, which amused him until the next Christmas.

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Santa Visits a Bar

Santa Banta goes into a bar in New York.
The man on his right orders a drink, ‘Johnnie Walker, single.’
The man on his left says, ‘Jack Daniels, single.’
Santa says. ‘Santa Singh, married.’

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Before the Christmas Holiday

‘Today we’ll relax a little and play a spelling game before we break up for the Christmas holidays,’ says Mrs Anand, the primary schoolteacher. Each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Jack, you can go first.’
Jack stands up and says, ‘My name’s Jack. My father is a builder, b-u-i-l-d-e-r, and he helps to put up homes.’ Funny Christmas Snow Women
Mrs Anand says, ‘Very good. All right, Dominic, your turn.’
Dominic stands says, ‘My name’s Dominic. My father’s a pharmacist, f-a-m… f-a-r-n… f-n…’
The teacher, Mrs Anand, says, ‘Dominic, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Bobby.’
Bobby stands up and says, ‘My name’s Bobby. My old man is a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he’d give you five to two odds Dominic won’t spell pharmacist by tomorrow.’

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Kissing under the mistletoe

Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. ‘How much is this gold tinsel garland’.
The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, ‘This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre’.
‘Wow, that’s great’, said Jennifer, ‘I’ll take 12 metres’.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.
She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, ‘My Grandpa will settle the bill.’

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Growing too old

Grandpa decided that shopping for Christmas presents had become too difficult. All his grandchildren had everything they needed, so he decided to send them each a cheque (check).
On each card he wrote: ‘Happy Christmas Grandpa’ P.S. ‘Buy your own present!’
Conclusion: Now, while Grandpa enjoyed the family festivities, he thought that his grandchildren were just slightly distant. It preyed on his mind into the New Year. Then one day he was sorting out his study and under a pile of magazines, he found a little pile of cheques (checks) for his grandchildren. He had completely forgotten to put them in with the Christmas cards.

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Best Christmas Story

It was the day after Christmas at St Peter and St Paul’s church in Borden, Kent, England. Father John, the vicar, was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.
Immediately, Father John’s thoughts turned to calling in the local policeman but as he was about to do so, he saw little Nathan with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Father John approached Nathan and asked him, ‘Well, Nathan, where did you get the little infant?’
Nathan looked up, smiled and replied, ‘I took him from the church.’
‘And why did you take him?’
With a sheepish grin, Nathan said, ‘Well, Father John, about a week before Christmas I prayed to Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.’

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10 Reasons Why a Woman would like to Be Santa Claus

There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
Buy one big brown belt and you’d be accessorized for life.
You’d always work in sensible footwear.
You’d never be expected to make the coffee.
There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
You’d never take the wrong coat on your way home.
You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
No one would ask to see your job description.

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The Christmas Hold-up Tale

It was Christmas Eve; the department store manager was in his office just paying off Father Christmas. All of a sudden a teenager and ordered the manager to hand-over the not inconsiderable takings.
The manager was wondering what to do, so the teenager attempted to fire his gun in order to make the manager’s mind, and open the till and hand over the money. Although the robber pulled the trigger, nothing happened, so unbelievably, he peered down the barrel and then fired again.
This time it worked.

This is Guy’s favourite tale to tell at grown-up parties. You can tell it as it is, or else you could improvise and improve the yarn depending on the nationalities present at your Christmas gathering.

‘Waiter – There’s a Fly in My Champagne’

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.

The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.Funniest Christmas Jokes
The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, ‘Now spit out all that you swallowed.’

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The Bible was written centuries ago by the Apostles. But what if it was written by college students? Most likely it would be a lot different. Here’s what it might look like if College Students Wrote the Bible:

The ‘Blood of Christ’ would be switched from red wine to beer in a keg.
The Last Supper would have cold leftovers for the next morning.
The Ten Commandments would be only five, double-spaced, and written in large font.
A New edition would be written every two years in order to limit reselling.
The Forbidden Fruit would have been eaten not because it was forbidden but because it wasn’t dorm food.
Paul’s Letter to the Romans would be Paul’s E-Mail addressed to pieceofshit@romans.gov
The reason Cain killed Abel would be because they were roommates.
The place where the end of the world occurs would be Finals, not Armageddon.
Instead of mules, the preferred mode of transportation would be mountain bikes.
The reason why Moses and his followers walked in the desert for 40 years would be because they didn’t want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.
The Tower of Babel would be blamed for the Foreign Language requirement.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

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The Meaning of ’12 Days of Christmas’

The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.
The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit: Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.
The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles’ Creed.

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A Nice Bus Driver

Two days before Christmas Jimmy set-off in his minibus to collect a batch of open prison inmates. His mission, as usual, was to take them for their radiation treatment at a nearby hospital. Since it was Christmas, one of the 12 offered to buy Jimmy a drink. So they stopped off at the Rose and Crown pub, and all had a nice drink. On the way out Jimmy detoured to the gents, when he came out of the loo, all the prisoners had disappeared. He looked in all the pub’s bars, drove around for half an hour, no sign of the inmates. They had all made their escape. What could Jimmy do? Thinking quickly, he braked at a particularly long bus queue, and told the waiting people that he was a relief bus. Where-upon he picked up the first 12 and drove them to the open prison. He then radioed ahead to the warders giving a ‘Code Yellow’ message. This was a pre-arranged signal that some of the prisoners were playing up. Jimmy unloaded his passengers, he then beat a hasty retreat. Amazingly, his trickery wasn’t discovered until the New Year.

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